I rambled a bit leading up to the actual meat of this post. I feel badly dragging you all through it. If you’d like just the gist, scroll on down to where everything becomes italicized.
So, I kind of dropped the ball. I meant for it all to unravel here, as it did in real life this time last year. But, as it tends to do, life got in the way. Hell, my feelings got in the way. There’s a fine line between allowing yourself to feel grief and allowing yourself to be swallowed whole by it. There’s another fine line between honoring a memory and allowing yourself to make new ones.
I had every intention of telling this part of the story on January 19th, the anniversary of the day my little dude passed away. Life is busy, crazy, and chaotic. And, if I’m being honest, not stellar at the moment. On January 19th, schedules allowed and one of my best friends was actually able to hang out with me. I thought, I could wallow in my own grief…or distract myself by spending time with someone I rarely get to see. I chose to focus on the good and I hung out with my friend instead of completely indulging in the grief and sadness that the day forced on me.
After all, when I set out to share all of this with you guys, it wasn’t so much about the grief and the gut-wrenching sadness of losing someone you love…though, that would inevitably be part of it…it was, believe it or not, supposed to be about gratitude and hope, mostly hope.
I’ve been living my day-to-day life since my last post, but the “blank pages” have been plaguing me. The ADHD / OCD war has been alive and (un)well. Part of me knows I procrastinated this, part of me wants to just let it go unfinished, and the OCD part of me is berating itself for having not stayed on task and not completed everything on time.
I digress. Imagine.
So, I kept trying to do the math for all the things. Since I missed the actual anniversary, what day would make sense to post all of this? Should I backdate it all? Honestly, I’m still on the fence. There’s a timeline I committed to in my head and I’ve failed to maintain it.
But isn’t the whole point of all of this to be real? To be human? To share my failures, not just my successes? Aren’t you proud I haven’t even addressed the fact that it’s probably been over a year since my last post before these Tale of Two Kitties ones? Ha…and there it is.
Anyway, now I’ve written an entire post leading up to the whole point of the post. Le sigh. I guess if you’ve made it this far, I commend you. There’s a bit more to go; there’s always more.
So, like I said, I’ve been living my day-to-day life trying to decide when to post all of this. And today, Facebook hit me like a ton of bricks…one that I knew was coming, but still. On This Day last year, I finally put it all out there. I told the world (my world, anyway) that my favorite guy was gone. It took me a week and a half to compose a post, to say the words, to, perhaps, admit the reality of my loss.
Puppy was such an amazing dude. He had a following. And had I been more diligent (or had he been more active on social media himself…slacker), he could have had a real following on social media. His personality made an impression and, if only because of the joy he brought to me, most of the people I love, loved him as well.
I could sit here and relive it all, as…let’s be real, I’ve been doing for about a month in my own head. Or I could just share what I put on Facebook. I think I’ll do that. I’m not sure when I’ll follow up because now I’ve screwed up the timeline, actual dates anyway…but I promise the story gets happier. I still lose my dear, sweet (insane) Puppy, but there’s a light, a hope. Some rough patches still to come, but if you see it through, you’ll feel the good…I think…I hope.
Here are the words I shared on this day last year. (I guess in some ways, I’m right on track with the timing thing.):
I have been absolutely dreading this post. On Thursday, January 19th, I had to say goodbye to my best friend, my Puppy.
As you all know, he was my favorite thing in the world. And I know so many of you grew to love him and his quirky ways, too.
He was thrown from a truck 14 years ago and our apartment security officer, who saw it happen, knew Stacie, Carrie, and I were suckers. I ultimately got custody of him after graduation. Rather…I took him and I think everybody just knew we were meant for each other. I like to think we saved each other’s lives. I know there were plenty of times that he saved mine. We were just crazy enough to make sense of each other.
My world is ridiculously empty without him. He was everything that got me out of bed for so long, especially towards the end when his actual survival depended pretty much on me. His signature, “Pa-pow,” greeted me every time I walked in the door, even until the very last time.
He made me laugh so much. He was such a goober.
He stopped consistently sleeping with me over the past year or so; he took to sleeping on the massive pile of clothes on my dresser instead. Occasionally he’d grace me with his presence and sleep draped across my chest…for just a few minutes. Those were the best moments, even when they were extremely brief. He slept next to me in bed that last night. I think he was throwing me a bone, letting me know that he loved me, too…but I think he knew it was almost his time.
That little guy infiltrated my life. I am so grateful for the time we got to share, for the laughs, the love, the companionship. As crazy as he was, he was truly a gift. Perhaps only a weirdo like me could love a weirdo like him the way he deserved to be loved.
The past week and a half-ish have been heart wrenching. His last vet visit in early January showed improved blood work. So, while we knew he wasn’t 100% healthy, it seemed he was getting better. He wasn’t.
I am grateful that I was here with him, that I was so in tuned with him that I heard his strained breathing as soon as it began…at least I think I did. I’m grateful I had the strength to not prolong his pain. Though, in some ways, it was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I’m grateful that my brother could be there with me, so I didn’t have to be alone as I said goodbye to the little dude who had become my life.
I’m sorry this is so long…and that I’ve attached so many pictures. It’s not like you couldn’t find them on your own if you wanted to go looking on my page or his. For as many times as this moment crossed my mind over the years, I had somehow convinced myself I’d never have to face it. Yet, here it is.
For all the things I’m grateful for, second, only to him not having to leave this world alone, is the amazing amount of love and support I have received from everybody in my life. My family and friends are beyond amazing and they remind me that, no matter how much it feels like it, I’m not alone. Their thoughtfulness and kindness has blown me away and given me hope.
My world will never be the same. My little dude is gone. And I am crushed. Even in these moments of intense sadness, I’d do it all over again. He brought so much to my life. His absence kills me, but my life would have been far worse had I never been able to love him. And love him hard, I did…for that is the only way I know how to love.
So, there it is, guys. The shortened version of one of the absolute worst moments of my life. Pets are people, too. Pets are better than people. I still miss him every single day. I think that’s the sign of a good run. I was lucky as hell to have a little dude I loved so much and who…well, who tolerated me. I mostly smile at the reminders. When you’re a crazy cat lady, they’re everywhere. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m glad there are constant reminders. Sometimes they hurt like hell, but they mostly make me smile…