OCD

Surviving Compulsions, Cancer, and Coronavirus

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming. Regularly scheduled? I’m pretty sure it’s been at least three years since my last blog post and I didn’t even finish the story I was trying to tell then. Neither here nor there. Such is the ADHD brain. Some of the delay might be revealed in the post below…and maybe I’ll get back around to finishing the rest of that other story. It did have a happy ending.But, for now…the world is going through something absolutely crazy – this Coronavirus, this COVID-19. And as a person with pretty severe ADHD and OCD who also has catastrophic, sometimes paralyzing, anxiety, I guess I felt called to talk about it. My anxiety’s getting worse, so I felt like I should at least put this out there.So, without further adieu (no graphics, no frills, just words…or it might not ever get published)…

I am (and always have been) what some people might call a crazy person. I’ve been diagnosed with an alphabet soup of psychological disorders and have taken quite a wide assortment of meds to help tame them…mostly to no avail. I definitely suffer from a similar assortment of physical ones to boot. I was born with a massive hole in my heart and, perhaps, shouldn’t have survived. I fought newborn/infant pneumonia and asthma, but I survived. I was a medically fragile child who wasn’t going to hold back. My mom had to come to terms with this. I wasn’t going to sit it out just because it might kill me. That said, the hole in my heart healed by the time I was two, which was swell. But a parent doesn’t really ever let go of that fear, especially not a parent who also moonlights as a nurse.

But Mom knew me and she knew I wasn’t going to tread this life lightly. Give it your all or don’t bother giving it anything. And the doctors reassured her that I would be fine. So she had to trust…and trust she did, with much reservation. I can’t imagine the strength it must have taken to let me just be a “normal” child, but she found it somehow. And, hey, guess what! I survived. I survived a bunch of other near misses, too. No thanks to anything I did. Just straight luck or plans that other people (God) had for me or whatevs.

But I got sick a lot. I had chronic ear infections until I was nearly 7. I have irritable bowel. I have chronic headaches. I had recurrent strep throat so many months in 5th grade that none of the students knew who I was when I returned to school after recovering. I have moderate scoliosis that can be legit crippling at times (currently treading that crippling line super closely). And I have chronic fever sores/blisters. Not just the one every now and then, but like my entire mouth full at a time…most Christmases, any stressful time really. And they hurt like hell. And so embarrassing. Like red flags to the world that I am gross.

I can’t say for sure where the OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) or depression came from. (I’m sure I’m missing something.) I suppose it was always there just like the Insomnia, ADHD, LMNOP.

Either way, early on, I learned I could be contaminated by the outside world and I could contaminate the outside world as well. I became very particular about washing my hands, mostly. Well, outwardly. I started noticing the chain reaction of all the things. That person goes to the bathroom and doesn’t wash their hands…then they use that $10 bill to purchase something. Then the cashier doesn’t wash their hands and opens that door and uses that credit card machine…and etcetera etcetera. It’s something I sometimes have to try to turn a blind eye to…it’s something that I know that if I gave into it, it could land me locked up on my own account, afraid of the world outside.

Anyway, it got worse from there. I own it and make fun of myself. Everyone knows I am a lover of hand sanitizer. I also actually wash

my hands a ridiculous amount of times a day. Probably too many times for me to count.

So that’s life. And whatever. Take me and my weirdness or leave me, right?

And most people in my life take me. I guess I have enough redeeming qualities without all of my neurotic weirdness…or maybe some consider that a redeeming quality, too. In fact, I know some do. Most of my friends and family are super supportive. I’ve received the Best Germ Eliminating UV Wand (original and travel size), Phone Soap, and all the and sanitizer in the world as gifts. My friends obviously know and love me. I’m not entirely sure if they know how much I actually treasure these gifts, and, furthermore, how much peace of mind they actually bring me.

I bring a complete arsenal when I travel. I’m not always prepared with all the things in life, but I’m always prepared to fight the germs. And if I’m not, complete panic ensues. I buy hand sanitizer in bulk, on a good day. I could say I try to keep it in check, but mostly I just try to keep it somewhat muted in front of other people, especially certain audiences.

Point being, there’s a standard level of concern about the world making me sick and, perhaps, an even higher level of concern about me making the world sick. I’d like to say I’m always careful, but I’m always careful to say, “always.”

Anyway, I’ve mostly learned to live my life…being careful not to infect and to not be infected.

…and then Mom got sick.

Real sick. Stage 4 Colon Cancer.

And then we had to take care of her.

We had to give her IVs.

We had to feed her.

We had to hold the straw while she managed to suck down whatever nutrients she could.

We had to do all the things that make a human feel not like a human…especially one of the most dignified humans who ever existed (until those moments she risked her dignity for the sake of a good joke).

But anyway, we were ALL up in her space.

There were moments that, as an OCD person, I never would have thought I’d be able to handle, but I did. Somehow, I’m really great in crisis mode. It’s kind of amazing. I don’t want to shake hands with anybody, but if somebody I love starts to vom, I’m likely to reach my hands out to catch it. Freaking weird.

The point is…when Mom got sick, the importance of protecting others (Mom, first and foremost) from my germs (sterilized as hell, though they may be) became the single biggest priority of my life.

I have pretty severe allergies, (I imagine your shock) and I don’t sleep for crap, so it’s sometimes hard to tell if I am sick, tired, or just allergy-ridden. If I had to be around Mom in those moments (which I did because I lived with her and, you know, gave her her meds and IVs and junk), I’d wear a mask. I’d wash my hands even more than I normally do. If I was making food she might eat? Mask…hands washed a gazillion times. No exaggeration (okay, maybe a bit…a gazillion is a LOT). Legit hand washing…not just hand sanitizing. I made sure to stay on top of her hygiene, too. I was very particular, very aware, very intentional. After all, she had always been with me.

My friends, if Mom was still with us today, I can’t imagine how crazy I would be with this Coronavirus going on. I was crazy enough about fever sores. And yes, the flu…a sore throat…the freaking sniffles. I can’t make you all get it. And I can’t even say that my way of living is right. I just know that if you could all get inside my brain (or, maybe more importantly, my heart) for a second right now, you, too, could understand the risk for your compromised (and maybe we’re all compromised at this point) loved one…and you would understand my crazy.

And that said, I am trying so hard not to lose myself in all of this. Mom died this July after a 5 and a half year battle with Cancer. In those 5 and a half years, there were several other pretty big losses. I’ve been fighting the urge to self-quarantine since she died. Not because I was afraid of the world killing me, but because I didn’t want to be in it…and knew I NEEDED to be in it. I knew I needed to push myself to face the day or I could lose myself. History tells stories and sometimes they are true. Self-history teaches us how to cope with the internal wars of today, based on the wars of yesterday. I got out of bed every day, even when I didn’t want to. I went to work. I hung with friends. I trudged on. And now, I’m being asked to stay at home, to lock myself up…to hide from the world because of this pandemic, this Coronavirus.

Psychologically, this terrifies me. I’m doing whatever I can to combat my chronic and situational depression. I’m trying not to obsess about all the germs. I’m trying to be physically active when I can. I’m trying to talk to family and friends. I’m trying to eat right and (often to no avail) desperately trying to sleep right. I’m trying not to lose myself in the abyss of this personally untimely isolation.

But at the end of the day, I know how important it is for all of us to social distance right now. I know how important it is to wash our hands. People, I been screaming this for years, for a lifetime. I know how important it is to think about how your/my contamination might impact somebody else’s life. Hell, how your/my contamination might END somebody else’s life.

And I know, without a doubt, that if we still had Mom with us today, my crazy would be on a whole ‘nother level. My mom isn’t with us anymore…not in this realm anyway. But there are countless other lives out there who need your/my crazy to be on a whole ‘nother level.

But, really, it’s simple. Social distance. Wash your hands. If you’re sick, contact your medical provider before going into the office. In general, stay freaking home as much as possible, people. Be cautious and think beyond yourself. Teach your kids the same. Support local businesses, but do it via gift cards/certificates and take-out. Check in on your friends and family. It’s a hard time for everybody.

And think about all those connections that my tiny, messed up little brain agonizes over on a regular basis…butt hole to flushing to door knob to other door knob to keys to steering wheel to shopping cart to item they didn’t buy to cash…again…etcetera, etcetera. And never mind breathing in people’s space.

Please just be smart, intentional, and kind out there. It’s the only way to save as many people as possible. Mom might be gone, but there are plenty of immunocompromised people who are still here…and I love them, too.

All the Matchbox Police Cars…Lined Up in OCD Fashion

From now on, when you need to line up matchbox cars…this is how it should be done…

Because, you see, guys, my nephew is awesome. He seriously has all the matchbox police cars…and motorcycles (and fire trucks). You leave him to his own devices and he creates this epic scene.

I actually took the photo a few months ago, but came across it recently on my Facebook page and knew I had to share it. Really, it just makes me happy…and I thought some of you might get a kick out of it, too.

I first witnessed this…crime scene…er…blockade…er…straight up awesomeness while pulling into my brother’s driveway. We were there for dinner and everybody else looked at this awesomeness, kind of laughed, shrugged it off and then walked inside. However, I was drawn to it and all its perfection. I had no choice, but to pull out my phone and grab a shot. In my eyes it was a work of art…and in my heart I was beaming with pride (even though I had nothing to do with creating it).

But seriously, guys…the creativity, the patience, the elaborate planning and the follow through…this is the stuff of geniuses (being completely unbiased, of course).

My six year old nephew, a kid after my own heart. Can’t sit still for crap, but will over-focus like nobody’s business when it comes to projects he really cares about.

Genetics are crazy things, my friends…crazy, crazy things indeed.

Call it ADHD, OCD, LMNOP…frankly, I don’t care what you call it…as long as you recognize the awesome in it. That goes for all your own labeled and unlabeled quirks, too. Recognize that it is, in fact, your very differences that make you shine in this world. There’s a reason for all of it; there’s a reason for you. Don’t ever forget that.

And always, always, always be grateful for the people who see the awesome within you, even when you can’t see it within yourself. Often we create…on a whim…or simply to give life to a vision in our head. Rarely do we realize the potential impact our creations might have on those around us.

We all impact the world, though, and some of us are lucky enough to have people who care enough about us to tell us when we’ve impacted them. Be appreciative of those who can see and feel your light and be especially appreciative to those who embrace it with you. For those are the souls who will guide you home when you are lost; those are the souls who truly know you.

Capturing Nature Through Photography

There was supposed to be a meteor shower the other morning, so I Googled and Googled all about how to capture one in photograph. I mean, I researched the heck out of it…and had my camera all setup and ready to go. Even laid out my clothes and shoes, so I could just hop up and get to shooting.

Unfortunately, the meteor shower proved to be uneventful, at least in my neck of the woods. However, all the researching and preparing got me itching to take some photos. Then my dad asked me to take some random photos of our house…not very interesting ones, but it still forced me to bring my camera outside.

I took the photos for my dad and started to walk back up towards the house. Then I started looking around and I realized there were a lot of cool, nature things happening right in my back yard. So, I started shooting. I was playing around with the manual settings more than I have in a long time.

Life has gotten in the way and I haven’t had much time to devote to my photography, but it’s definitely another one of those things that helps calm my ADHD / OCD mind. Zeroing in on the perfect shot brings a kind of focus that my ADHD mind rarely gets to feel. And my OCD nature pushes me to have the patience to get that perfect shot…or at least to keep trying.

Nature photography kind of makes sense for me. It’s the combination of two of my favorite things and I can get lost doing it for hours. Needless to say, I took over 200 photos during my mini-shoot. Part of what’s so awesome about photography is that you get the chance to share your perspective on a moment or, in this case, a scene in nature. When an experience touches your soul in a good way, photography gives you the opportunity to pass it on and touch somebody else’s soul.

Don’t worry, I only pulled five photos from the 200+, so you’re not going to be forced to see the natural world through my eyes for the rest of your night. But, I did want to share a few…just in case you needed something to brighten your evening (meaning the nature itself, not necessarily my creative interpretation via photo).

They’re not perfect, but taking them did make me want to take more. Here’s hopin’ (for my sake) that this was the push I needed to get back into photography. I used to shoot weddings…I used to sell my photos in (small) galleries and in local shops…I used to just take more photos. It’s been years since I really allowed myself to get lost behind the lens. It definitely reminded me how important it is for me to do creative things on a regular basis, though.

That said, my knowledge of flowers is fairly limited, so the file names are pretty boring…and I must have used up all of my creativity, so there are no titles…but you get the idea.

Thanks for taking a peek, guys! Hope you liked ’em!

When My ADHD Messes With My OCD Hand Sanitizer

Germaphobia is real and it’s no surprise us OCDers are prone to it.

This is what happens when my ADHD steps on my OCD’s toes and I lose…or run out of…all of my hand sanitizer at one time. I’m a serious germaphobe, guys.

You can never have enough hand sanitizer.

Now, I’ve started out this batch by strategically placing a few bottles in all the places I frequent (car, bookbag, desk drawer, etc.), but I will likely end up empty handed all at the same time. Not sure how it happens like that. Just does. Maybe it means I’m using them in a balanced way, but I don’t think so. Cause, the thing is, eventually I clean out some cluttered spot in my life and recover several partially-used bottles. That always kinda feels like I’ve found my pot of gold, though, so I’m not really complaining.

Side note: It really pisses me off when all the little hand sanitizer dispensers are out at the mall. They never work and it’s like, why even tease us? Ah well, that’s why it’s important I bring my own (52 million bottles) with me.

…gotta be responsible for my own crazy. 🙂

Step Out of Your OCD Comfort Zone (and Laugh at Yourself)

You have to be able to laugh at your (OCD) self.

I mean, I even labeled my label maker(s)…yeah, yeah, yeah, I have three.

Humor is the key to life, my friends. The ability to laugh can get you through a lot of sticky situations…and will probably get you a lot of friends, if that’s what you’re after.

The ability to laugh at yourself is rare, but I believe it’s one of the biggest tools of survival. It’s something you should strive to be able to do, if you can’t already.

If you’ve read any of my blog, you know I’ve managed to laugh at my ADHD, but that’s pretty easy. I mean, my ADHD makes me quick witted, smart and creative (oh, and clumsy), hysterical things are bound to happen when it’s in charge.

On the other hand, my OCD tends to bring out my serious side. The obsessive worry, the phobias, the panic, the need for certain kinds of order and the perfectionism? Well, these symptoms don’t always lend themselves to having a sense of humor in the same way that my ADHD symptoms do.

Still, I can laugh about the fact that I’m in love with hand sanitizer (but I’m not gonna laugh if it’s not readily available) or that I have three label makers and that I feel the need to label them all. These are quirky things and quirky things make me interesting (or, you know, weird, but whatever). I guess they make me a character of sorts and it turns out that other people are entertained by my oddities.

It’s the whole, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em,” mentality. If they’re all gonna laugh at me, I might as well get a kick out of myself, too. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. All my life, I’ve been the one to make other people laugh, but I’ve also been told not to take life so seriously. That last part is something I’m trying to work on and I figured some of you might benefit from doing the same.

When I stumbled on this collection of things that claimed it would freak out every OCD person, I had to play along. And I’m not gonna lie to you, some of it was uncomfortable to see…and some of it, I would be impulsively driven to correct, even if it wasn’t my place to.

But, hey guys, we’re safe over here. These are just pictures. You can’t die from the complete disregard for straight lines, symmetry and perfectionism or the unfathomable labeling system for the lighting rigs. Our OCD selves are all kinds of safe over here behind our computer screens (well, at least from the scenarios in the pictures), so go ahead and peruse. Heck, consider it a kind of flooding. It’s good practice…therapeutic even.

Best of luck, my friends. Try not to look away…and seriously, go ahead and laugh…because none of it can hurt you. And come on, that off-kilter, red window is pretty awesome (even though it might be photoshopped).

Step Out of Your OCD Comfort Zone and Laugh at Yourself