adult ADHD

A Tale of Two Kitties: Part Two

This time last year, I was supposed to be hanging out with some lifelong friends, including one who was in town only for a minute. I was supposed to be out, having dinner…maybe a few drinks, having fun with some of my favorite people in the world. But something was off about Puppy. Maybe it was “mother’s intuition.” Maybe it was that sixth sense that’s so common with us ADHDers. Whatever. I just knew. I battled between joining my friends for dinner and staying home with my cat, who didn’t really show any signs that he was failing…but somehow was telling me something was wrong.

Dude was fussy as hell, always. And weird. Weird beyond weird. These are some of the reasons I loved him so much. But these things made it hard to tell, on the surface of it all, that things were failing.

These are the last pics I took of my little dude.

These were not out of character. My parents were out of town, so he had every right to be pissed (and to stare at a wall, ignoring my every attempt at love). He didn’t like change. And the buffet of food? He was the pickiest cat I’ve ever met…and we all know cats are known for their pickiness. But I have many pics of this buffet on many a good day. Puppy not eating the food in front of him didn’t mean he wasn’t eating. It usually just meant I hadn’t given him his food of choice for the night.

Still, I sensed something, even if there wasn’t a red flag blowing in my face. Something told me something was off. I am eternally grateful for my instinct. I felt like crap blowing off my friends that night, but I will never regret that choice. I can’t imagine how I would have felt had I left my Pupster alone that night. I am glad (to put it super lightly) that I trusted my instinct and stayed home with him.

It was a normal night otherwise. Puppy hadn’t been snuggling with me for a while and I don’t think that he did that evening either.

But…that night, he slept with me. He slept right up near my head. He was throwing me a bone. He hadn’t done that in a while. I didn’t realize it at the time, but come 4AM, I would get it.

A Tale of Two Kitties: Part One

Today is a day of very mixed emotions for me. This day last year was the last good day that I had with Puppy (my VERY beloved cat of 13 or so years).

Of course, I captured the moment and shared it on Facebook. And of course I was reminded of it this morning. Truth be told, I remember it clearly and I knew it was coming. I knew it was here. I knew the last happy picture I took of him. It still caught me off guard and rattled my heart.

As I mentioned, it was a beautiful 70 degree day in January. We were both soaking it up. We spent most of the day on the porch and I am so grateful that I chose to spend the day with him…doing nothing and just taking it all in.

Four days later, my little dude would be gone. It still crushes me and I miss him like hell every day.

But something else happened on this day last year. Many of you have asked about Monkey’s story and this is the beginning of it (at least of our story). For those who don’t know, this is Monkey:

And on this day last year, while Puppy slept restfully on the porch rocking chair, he showed up out of the blue. He came right up on the deck. I stepped out of the screened-in porch and pet the little guy. He was a head-butter, with an intense purr. He looked a little rough and tumble, with patches of missing fur. He would shy away a bit if I reached my hand out to pet him, but he was definitely happy for the attention. My gut told me, despite his somewhat scrappy appearance, he belonged to somebody.

I only pet him for a little bit, as I felt like I was cheating on my sweet Pupster while he slept nearby.

I had no clue on that sunny day that four days later, my favorite little guy in the whole world would be gone. This week is going to suck. I’ve been fighting tears back all day. Things are not stellar in general, so I’m sure that doesn’t help. Some of you won’t understand. Some may say, “He was just a cat.” But some of you will understand. I could get into how ADHDers tend to love animals in a huge way, but we’ll just say you either get it or you don’t. I love with everything I have and I definitely loved Puppy that way. I have known loss and this loss, like so many others, has left me winded and empty…broken in a whole new way.

But…the thing is…they say when God closes a door, he opens another…or something like that. I can only say that I believe Monkey chose me, that maybe he and Puppy talked. Maybe Puppy knew that his time was near, so he tasked Monkey with saving my life. He had been sick for quite some time, even though we thought he was getting better.

However it happened, I have to believe it was divine intervention. I had no clue on this day last year that I would soon say goodbye to my best friend Puppy, that it would be our last good day together. I also had no clue that this little gray and white goober who showed up out of nowhere would also show me how to love again.

It’s a bittersweet day, my friends. And as I head into the anniversary of one of the hardest weeks of my life…that kicked off a pretty shitty year, I decided it was time to put it on paper…er…type it into my phone.

Here’s hoping I have the energy to finish the story. It’s my intention to write it all out as it happened last year…if I can get the dates right…or at least close enough. It’s a hard story to tell as Monkey’s hello was Puppy’s goodbye, but there’s beauty even in the darkest moments.

I was just gonna do a Facebook post, but I knew it was going to be super long-winded, even for me. Hoping this kicks me back into blogging. Many of my other Facebook On This Day moments have been related to me blogging or feeling like I need to get back into it. Must be a New Year thing. Well, I’m gonna give it a whirl. Look at me, I’ve nearly finished my first post for 2018.

Thanks for reading, guys…and for all the love and support you’ve shown me over the past year (and my lifetime). Life isn’t always easy, but I have amazing friends and family who make it easier.

Insomnia, Pain Meds, Delusions and White Noses

So, I finally upgraded my phone. I can once again take pictures without working the system and going through Snapchat. My apps are also updated and current (including WordPress). This means, to my friends, 1,001 more cat and sky pictures a day and, to you, it might mean I’ll be posting more often (though, hell, I can’t make any promises…pretty sure it’s been years since my last post).

So, anyway, if you’ve read my blog at all before now, I’m pretty sure I’ve made it clear that I struggle with sleeping. Sometimes I have trouble falling asleep. Sometimes I have trouble staying asleep. Sometimes both. And sometimes I hallucinate in the middle of the night.

Currently, my room is the worst it’s been in a long time. Clothes are hanging everywhere. This mess makes it easier to blur the lines between reality and hallucinations during the witching hours of the night. I see a stark white shirt hanging in the dimness and it morphs into a being from the other side. It’s fun stuff, let me tell you. Figments of my imagination merge with reality and commandeer nightmares that leave me paralyzed by fear.

I try to talk myself out of the crazy, but panic attacks often overwhelm.

Anyway, my back has been a disaster since February. It’s much better than it was to start out with, but the pain occasionally still warrants some medicinal remedying. Two nights ago was one of these times. I took a Tramadol and a Flexeril and headed in to watch 13 Reasons Why. I’ve taken both of these meds before and not had a problem. I’m certainly not blaming them for the hallucinations that ensued that night, but I’m not counting them out as possible contributing factors either.

Well, I fell asleep before the first episode finished. Next night, I went to replay that episode on my Roku and got the following screen:

“What in the actual hell (to keep it PG-13)?” I thought.

The hallucinations from the night before came flooding back into my mind, but I was insanely confused. I had no recollection of searching for, “White Nose.” And I had no clue what the hell I might have been seeking. I honestly began to freak a little. Had something actually been in my room? Had it (they?) taken over control over my Roku? Were they trying to communicate with me?!?!?!? I took the screengrab and sent it to one of my best friends being like, “WTF?” and then I proceeded to tell my parents.

Both of my parents were equally as freaked, if not more. I mentioned my hallucinations, which I’ve mentioned to them before, but I think they found them unsettling. Not that I don’t. I just…well, they happen. I deal. I sucked it up and went back into my room. I was a little panicked about who my roomie might be, but it’s not like I’ve never been afraid of who might come, “A knock at my door,” and who might be, “Waiting for me.”

Meanwhile, my friend had written me back…and what a relief! “Ha ha ha!! Were you wanting white noise?” And then, “That made me laugh so hard.”

And then that part of the night came back into my mind. I had fallen asleep watching the show and then I’d woken up to the hallucinations and the deadening silence. I didn’t want to get out of bed because…well, the monsters might get me…and I also didn’t want to disturb my cat. Some might say my priorities are super whacked.

I went searching for white noise on my Roku. I got pissed because I knew I’d found it before. But hey, you can’t find it if you search, “White Nose,” or so it turns out. I’m blind and can’t see very well without my glasses. What can I say? I eventually landed on just using one of the apps on my phone for the white noIse instead.

Once I realized that my friend (who knows me oh, so well) had actually connected all the dots, I, too, laughed at my ridiculousness. I told my parents, to give them some relief…that I might not be as crazy as I appeared and/or that I might not be actively being stalked by beings from the great beyond).

To wrap this up, I don’t know why I decided to share this here. The need for white noise, the lack of sleep, the disrupted sleep…sure, that can all have something to do with ADHD, but mostly I just found myself laughing at myself and thought I’d share. Since it’s been a while, I thought I’d run with it. Hope you enjoyed this silly anectodote about my crazy life.

Maybe you’ll be seeing more of me from here on out…maybe not. I’m gonna try, though!

ADHD Awesomeness Anniversary

5 Positive Traits of ADHD Adults

When I signed on to WordPress tonight, I got a notification that yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of signing up with the site.

Can you imagine how awesome it would have been if I had blogged the whole time…instead of taking over a year off? …but I didn’t.

Still, I’m back. Or…I’m trying to be back anyway. During my hiatus, I received multiple comment notifications on various blog posts. Even in my state of silence, my published words and experiences were reaching other members of the ADHD community.

Sadly, I didn’t respond to many of these comments. I’m not sure why. My ADHD blog was doing just what I had intended for it to do. It was reaching people, but I wasn’t acknowledging them or their experiences. I feel badly about this and will likely respond to those comments at some point over the next few days (weeks?).

The thing is, blogging, especially about overcoming my ADHD, OCD, etc. struggles, makes me feel like I’m making a difference. Well, at least the positive response I get from many of my readers makes me feel that way.

I’ve thought about going back to school to become an ADHD coach. There are many tools out there that can make the ADHD life easier. I could be an advocate for other ADHDers.

Anyway, I’m almost digressing here. I am still very lost, but, the point is…I already am an advocate for ADHDers. I’m not trying to toot my own horn. ADHD readers have voiced this…or at least voiced that I’m writing things they can relate to and that I’m helping them think of their struggles in new ways.

And so, as I sat here tonight trying to figure out what to blog about (having taken pics for multiple potential posts and having started multiple drafts), it occurred to me that maybe I should pay homage to the original post on this page: 5 Positive Traits of ADHD Adults.

After all, at the end of the day, despite my personal and professional struggles over the last year or so, I do still believe that adults with ADHD are determined, creative, intelligent, resilient, and courageous. And part of the reason I came here to blog in the first place was to help prove that to the rest of the world.

Adult Coloring Books and My ADHD / OCD Mind

Well, it’s been over a year since my last blog post…

WordPress is now foreign to me. I don’t know why this catches me off guard; good technology is constantly updated. It’s just that I’m navigating it all for the first time again, while trying to complete a blog post that part of me believes I’ll abandon midway through (Yeah, I still have ADHD and my OCD still wants perfection or nothing at all).

A lot has changed since I’ve been gone. Although, in reading my last blog post (which references an ancient blog post of mine), it seems quite a lot has actually stayed the same (even since the ancient times).

Either way, this blog post isn’t about what happened during my hiatus. It’s all those things, I believe, that has kept me away for so long. It’s not like I hadn’t intended to blog earlier. I’ve thought about doing it nearly every day since I last did. However…life. The longer I was away, the bigger I felt my reintroduction needed to be. The all-or-nothing that so frequently plagues the ADHDer conquered me for far too long. And I feel it conquering me even now.

I’d planned on pouring it all out. Adele’s freaking “Hello” calls to me like a ghost from the beyond (“the other side,” as it were). Like so many people, I’m sure, but in a very different way. Anyway, I’d planned on sitting with my laptop, with the damn song blaring through my headphones. I even asked for Adele’s 25 CD for Christmas (Who the hell buys CDs anymore? Me.). Except, I didn’t. Amazon screwed me up, guys. Or my impulsive ADHD did. One of the two…maybe both. I was creating my Amazon Wish List and I knew I wanted the new Adele CD. An Adele CD popped up at the top of the screen, so I assumed it had to be the new one. I got it for Christmas and was excited (or some other more appropriate word for the type of anticipation that comes with preparing to pour your heart out about a lot of hard crap) to sit down with the song and pour my heart out. When I put the CD in and heard “Rolling in the Deep,” I knew I’d screwed that up.

To be fair, I could very easily just pull the song up on YouTube. Maybe I don’t want to blog about all of that yet. Maybe I’m not ready.

I’m kind of just going to pretend that I didn’t disappear for over a year. I’m going to blog as if I blogged yesterday. Inspired by my friend and her new blog Ever After McNeil and much encouraged (and somewhat threatened (in a do or die kind of way)) by my other creative friend, I’m just going to do it. I am just going to write…something. The rest of it will come; I’m sure. It has to.

Part of me feels like this post is too long already. Ahh, screw it. Maybe some of you have skipped ahead to the actual adult coloring book part…and that’s totally okay. Heck, it’s not like I probably have any readers at this point. I’ve left you all high and dry for quite a while.

If, however, you happen to be still there lurking in my shadows, please hold tight. I’m really, really going to try to come back here more often.

And now…the moment you’ve all been waiting for…an actual blog post.

Adult Coloring Books and My ADHD / OCD Mind

Adult coloring books are all the rage (Just Google, “Adult coloring books,” if this is news to you). Unlike Adele’s 25, I got one (and some awesome colored pencils) for Christmas.

I’m in an ADHD group or two on Facebook and I’ve seen a lot of people mentioning how awesome adult coloring books are for kind of grounding our ever-unsettled minds. I didn’t ask for the coloring book, but I’d definitely thought about buying one.

In fact, the idea of coloring being a calming activity isn’t new to me. I’ve bought many regular coloring books over the years…just haven’t actually colored in them…though I have many pristine packs of Crayola crayons. I do tend to bare down too hard and break the crayons. That’s the OCD striving for perfection…and creating a callous on my middle finger.

As any of you with ADHD know, it’s hard to calm your mind, it’s hard to shush all the noise…of all the things. For me, especially unmedicated (which I’ve now been for more than a year), I feel most alive and most in tuned to a particular thing when I am hyperfocusing on that thing. This is one of the gifts of having ADHD. Sometimes it feels like a super power.

The things we ADHDers hyperfocus on are the things we are most passionate about.

Adult coloring books kind of give us a place to focus, with the delusion of them being important. It’s important to pick the right colors, to color with the right intensity, and to stay within the lines.

…or is that the OCD? …because coloring books don’t really matter.

Who cares? I tried it tonight, guys.

I like it. I gave it 20 – 30 minutes. My hand cramped, reminiscent of my days in school when I scrambled to write all of the words the teacher said because I couldn’t comprehend them as she spoke, but I was totally going to type them up (and did), so I could study them later. For the first time in years, I realized I need a pencil sharpener. I chose my colors carefully. And tried not to commit to completing the whole thing in one sitting. I colored a bit. And it was therapeutic. It was rewarding, calming, focusing… As my hand started to cramp and enough time passed, I started to make mistakes (My OCD kicked in and the mistakes pissed me off.).

I decided if I was going to finish this blog post, I better go ahead and check out. Cause, the thing is, engaging with this blog post isn’t simple. It requires me to tap into my inner being…it requires me to write (which I actually take pretty seriously)…it requires me to take photos (which I also take pretty seriously, but don’t do nearly enough…although, retrospectively, more often than I write anything of much consequence)…and it requires me to focus (the hardest of all the things).

So, guys, I think I’ll wrap it up.

I’ll definitely revisit the adult coloring book concept. And I might even try coloring in a regular coloring book. Although, I prefer the stronger paper provided by the adult coloring book. I just wonder if the lack of detail in the regular coloring book would be better for both the ADHD and OCD, allowing for perfectionism, but not presenting so many damn slivers to fill in so perfectly.