Insomnia, Pain Meds, Delusions and White Noses

So, I finally upgraded my phone.  I can once again take pictures without working the system and going through Snapchat.  My apps are also updated and current (including WordPress).  This means, to my friends, 1,001 more cat and sky pictures a day and, to you, it might mean I’ll be posting more often (though, hell, I can’t make any promises…pretty sure it’s been years since my last post).

So, anyway, if you’ve read my blog at all before now, I’m pretty sure I’ve made it clear that I struggle with sleeping.  Sometimes I have trouble falling asleep.  Sometimes I have trouble staying asleep.  Sometimes both.  And sometimes I hallucinate in the middle of the night.

Currently, my room is the worst it’s been in a long time.  Clothes are hanging everywhere.  This mess makes it easier to blur the lines between reality and hallucinations during the witching hours of the night.  I see a stark white shirt hanging in the dimness and it morphs into a being from the other side.  It’s fun stuff, let me tell you.  Figments of my imagination merge with reality and commandeer nightmares that leave me paralyzed by fear.

I try to talk myself out of the crazy, but panic attacks often overwhelm.

Anyway, my back has been a disaster since February.  It’s much better than it was to start out with, but the pain occasionally still warrants some medicinal remedying.  Two nights ago was one of these times.  I took a Tramadol and a Flexeril and headed in to watch 13 Reasons Why.  I’ve taken both of these meds before and not had a problem.  I’m certainly not blaming them for the hallucinations that ensued that night, but I’m not counting them out as possible contributing factors either.

Well, I fell asleep before the first episode finished.  Next night, I went to replay that episode on my Roku and got the following screen:

Roku search white nose

“What in the actual hell (to keep it PG-13)?” I thought.  

The hallucinations from the night before came flooding back into my mind, but I was insanely confused.  I had no recollection of searching for, “White Nose.” And I had no clue what the hell I might have been seeking.  I honestly began to freak a little.  Had something actually been in my room?  Had it (they?) taken over control over my Roku?  Were they trying to communicate with me?!?!?!?  I took the screengrab and sent it to one of my best friends being like, “WTF?” and then I proceeded to tell my parents.

Both of my parents were equally as freaked, if not more.  I mentioned my hallucinations, which I’ve mentioned to them before, but I think they found them unsettling.  Not that I don’t.  I just…well, they happen.  I deal.  I sucked it up and went back into my room.  I was a little panicked about who my roomie might be, but it’s not like I’ve never been afraid of who might come, “A knock at my door,” and who might be, “Waiting for me.”

Meanwhile, my friend had written me back…and what a relief!  “Ha ha ha!! Were you wanting white noise?”  And then, “That made me laugh so hard.”

And then that part of the night came back into my mind.  I had fallen asleep watching the show and then I’d woken up to the hallucinations and the deadening silence.  I didn’t want to get out of bed because…well, the monsters might get me…and I also didn’t want to disturb my cat.  Some might say my priorities are super whacked.  

I went searching for white noise on my Roku.  I got pissed because I knew I’d found it before.  But hey, you can’t find it if you search, “White Nose,” or so it turns out.  I’m blind and can’t see very well without my glasses.  What can I say?  I eventually landed on just using one of the apps on my phone for the white noIse instead.

Once I realized that my friend (who knows me oh, so well) had actually connected all the dots, I, too, laughed at my ridiculousness.  I told my parents, to give them some relief…that I might not be as crazy as I appeared and/or that I might not be actively being stalked by beings from the great beyond).

To wrap this up, I don’t know why I decided to share this here.  The need for white noise, the lack of sleep, the disrupted sleep…sure, that can all have something to do with ADHD, but mostly I just found myself laughing at myself and thought I’d share.  Since it’s been a while, I thought I’d run with it.  Hope you enjoyed this silly anectodote about my crazy life.

Maybe you’ll be seeing more of me from here on out…maybe not.  I’m gonna try, though!

Insomnia and My Groundhog Day Scenario

Megan's Easy Go To Sleep List 1990

Megan’s Easy Go To Sleep List 1990: 1. 20 names beginning with a letter in the ABC. 2. Count backwards starting at 100. 3. Listen to tape. 4. Think about the next day. 5. Try.

It’s almost 1:00AM on Sunday night/Monday morning and I work at 8:00AM…and, like most nights, sleep isn’t coming easily.  I stumbled across this gem just a few days ago and, with the whole Groundhog Day post, I thought I’d take this opportunity to make an example out of my struggle with insomnia.  A lot of people with ADHD face sleep issues at some point, so I thought maybe you guys could relate.  Either way, you can at least laugh with me.

Backstory?  I’m pretty sure I was born with insomnia.  When I was a baby, there was a saying about me, “You wake her, you take her,” because I never slept.  My mom would put me down for a 20 minute nap and come back to crooked pictures on the wall, a ripped up diaper and me wide awake, staring back at her.  I was apparently born with ADHD, too.

The issue has persisted, despite my million attempts to fix it.  I have tried just about everything and I will continue to try.  That’s not to say that there aren’t days…er…nights when I just say screw it…because there are.

But the point of this post is to show you how much my 11 year old self suffered with the same sleepless nights that I do now.  While I can definitely laugh at it, I feel a little sad about it, too.  I think the biggest thing that gets me is the final item on the list, “Try,” and how enthusiastically I underlined it.  Even then, I felt responsible for my insomnia, like I should’ve been able to will myself to sleep or something.  I know I was beating myself up over it…and that makes me a little sad.

Guess I’ll put my computer away now, so I can give this sleep thing a solid effort…again…ha ha