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Insomnia, Pain Meds, Delusions and White Noses

So, I finally upgraded my phone. I can once again take pictures without working the system and going through Snapchat. My apps are also updated and current (including WordPress). This means, to my friends, 1,001 more cat and sky pictures a day and, to you, it might mean I’ll be posting more often (though, hell, I can’t make any promises…pretty sure it’s been years since my last post).

So, anyway, if you’ve read my blog at all before now, I’m pretty sure I’ve made it clear that I struggle with sleeping. Sometimes I have trouble falling asleep. Sometimes I have trouble staying asleep. Sometimes both. And sometimes I hallucinate in the middle of the night.

Currently, my room is the worst it’s been in a long time. Clothes are hanging everywhere. This mess makes it easier to blur the lines between reality and hallucinations during the witching hours of the night. I see a stark white shirt hanging in the dimness and it morphs into a being from the other side. It’s fun stuff, let me tell you. Figments of my imagination merge with reality and commandeer nightmares that leave me paralyzed by fear.

I try to talk myself out of the crazy, but panic attacks often overwhelm.

Anyway, my back has been a disaster since February. It’s much better than it was to start out with, but the pain occasionally still warrants some medicinal remedying. Two nights ago was one of these times. I took a Tramadol and a Flexeril and headed in to watch 13 Reasons Why. I’ve taken both of these meds before and not had a problem. I’m certainly not blaming them for the hallucinations that ensued that night, but I’m not counting them out as possible contributing factors either.

Well, I fell asleep before the first episode finished. Next night, I went to replay that episode on my Roku and got the following screen:

“What in the actual hell (to keep it PG-13)?” I thought.

The hallucinations from the night before came flooding back into my mind, but I was insanely confused. I had no recollection of searching for, “White Nose.” And I had no clue what the hell I might have been seeking. I honestly began to freak a little. Had something actually been in my room? Had it (they?) taken over control over my Roku? Were they trying to communicate with me?!?!?!? I took the screengrab and sent it to one of my best friends being like, “WTF?” and then I proceeded to tell my parents.

Both of my parents were equally as freaked, if not more. I mentioned my hallucinations, which I’ve mentioned to them before, but I think they found them unsettling. Not that I don’t. I just…well, they happen. I deal. I sucked it up and went back into my room. I was a little panicked about who my roomie might be, but it’s not like I’ve never been afraid of who might come, “A knock at my door,” and who might be, “Waiting for me.”

Meanwhile, my friend had written me back…and what a relief! “Ha ha ha!! Were you wanting white noise?” And then, “That made me laugh so hard.”

And then that part of the night came back into my mind. I had fallen asleep watching the show and then I’d woken up to the hallucinations and the deadening silence. I didn’t want to get out of bed because…well, the monsters might get me…and I also didn’t want to disturb my cat. Some might say my priorities are super whacked.

I went searching for white noise on my Roku. I got pissed because I knew I’d found it before. But hey, you can’t find it if you search, “White Nose,” or so it turns out. I’m blind and can’t see very well without my glasses. What can I say? I eventually landed on just using one of the apps on my phone for the white noIse instead.

Once I realized that my friend (who knows me oh, so well) had actually connected all the dots, I, too, laughed at my ridiculousness. I told my parents, to give them some relief…that I might not be as crazy as I appeared and/or that I might not be actively being stalked by beings from the great beyond).

To wrap this up, I don’t know why I decided to share this here. The need for white noise, the lack of sleep, the disrupted sleep…sure, that can all have something to do with ADHD, but mostly I just found myself laughing at myself and thought I’d share. Since it’s been a while, I thought I’d run with it. Hope you enjoyed this silly anectodote about my crazy life.

Maybe you’ll be seeing more of me from here on out…maybe not. I’m gonna try, though!

Not Recommended For ADHD Use

Just a little “humor” for your Monday. I mean, seriously, guys, I break a lot of stuff…including, on a regular basis, myself. If you’re ADD / ADHD and you’re thinking about buying something and it warns that it’s fragile? You should just stop right there and take it as a sign that you shouldn’t buy it.

No reason in particular for this friendly reminder. Just been inventorying my past and have come across way too many broken things…phones, computers, cars, sunglasses…and everything in between.

Okay, okay…so some of the stuff that we need is going to be fragile. Despite our accident prone selves, we’re going to have to suck it up and buy some of these fragile, breakable things. Maybe I should say, “Fragile = ADHDers proceed with caution, ” instead of, “Fragile = Not recommended for ADHD use.”

Both fit…just, when you have to buy that fragile thing, I guess be as careful as possible. I know, I know…because these aren’t lessons you’ve learned all on your own already. And like it helps to be “cautious.” I feel like sometimes when I’m cautious, things end up even more broken than if I’d just treated them like I regularly do.

Can’t win for losing sometimes, which is why I recommend buying sturdy things instead. But, guys…I mean, I’ve managed to kill an OtterBox…so I got nothin’.

Of course, all this talk about “Fragile,” makes me think of A Christmas Story.

“Fra-GEE-leh!” It must be Italian!

…And You Just Know This Month’s ADHD Meds Are Actually Sugar Pills

Because, guys, how many of you haven’t had those months when you know your ADHD meds have been switched out with sugar pills? It’s like, no matter what you do, you feel just as ADD / ADHD as ever. It scares you a little bit because everything is slipping all at once. It’s just like the “good ole days,” except they weren’t really all that good.

That’s the kind of month I’ve been having. Seriously, it seems like every single time I look, my zipper is down. I’ve stared at a gas pump angrily clicking my remote car key, waiting for the damn pump to automatically pump itself. For the first time in many years, I spent an entire day hyper focusing (like nobody’s business) on an intense project at work only to accidentally close out of the program and then realize that I hadn’t saved all day. I have so many bruises from bumping into things that you’d think I was getting attacked on a regular basis.

And that’s just the stuff I’m remembering off the top of my head. You guys get it…I know you do. We all have those times when our old ADHD tricks come back full force. It’s crazy how quickly everything seems to fall apart and how quickly I become overwhelmed…and, even more so, how quickly I start second guessing everything I do.

That’s the thing of it. An ADD / ADHD diagnosis rarely feels like an excuse to those of us who actually have it. Sure, it’s an explanation for some of the struggles we might have faced in school, work, relationships, life in general, but it doesn’t excuse us as the person who has committed all these “sins.” Even after a diagnosis, a lot of ADHDers continue to struggle with self trust and forgiveness. No matter what anybody calls it, we still blame ourselves for the “mistakes we’ve made.”

In those moments, like now, when our (my) meds seem to fail and life seems to crash down on us (me), it really can be scary. For whatever ground we might have gained, it could just as easily slip away. Or so it feels anyway.

Try not to hate on yourself in these moments (or in any, really). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, everybody has bad days…even those “normal” folk. The fact that you can tell when the meds aren’t working is a sign that they do actually work from time to time or at least a sign that you do actually work from time to time. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t notice a difference. So, hang in there. Try not to beat yourself up. Wait it out. Pretty soon you’ll be back to your old self, remembering to zip your pants up and all.

That’s Just How ADHD Bloggers Roll(ercoaster)

Sorry for the recent silence, guys. I’m trying not to fall victim to the all-or-nothing tendencies that are so common with us ADHDers. God knows it’s hard for us to find balance in our lives…and there’s a lot of other stuff going on (personally and professionally) right now that’s currently sucking up my energy.

I want to post frequently, but I don’t want to post just to post. The content needs to have some value. I don’t want to just spam you guys, you know?

Still, even if I can’t compose an epic post, because of whatever it is I’m struggling with at the moment, I guess that’s kind of what I’m supposed to be sharing, too. While I try to take the positive approach to my own ADHD (and other) issues, it’s not all sunshine and roses. It would be silly of me to pretend that it is. Honestly, it would be condescending of me to even think that I could convince you that life with ADHD is always awesome. Nobody’s life is awesome all the time.

You know better than that; I don’t take you guys for fools. A lot of you are living the ADHD life, too, so you totally get it. If I pranced around here all the time only talking about the benefits of having ADHD, I would probably lose my credit as an ADHDer. There are good days and there are bad days. (Good/bad weeks, good/bad months, good/bad years…you get the picture.) And I won’t pretend otherwise.

I have plenty of content ideas, but I just haven’t had the energy to put a post together lately. Life is all about priorities, though. You need to do what makes you happy and you need to spend time on the things you value most. We all have limited time – both on a daily basis and in the grand scheme of things. You (I) have to be smart about how you (I) spend that time and energy.

Thing is…this blog (and all you guys reading it) are a priority. It makes me happy to know that people are getting something from my posts. Be it a good laugh, the ability to relate and know you’re not alone, some kind of inspiration…whatever it is that you get from my blog, I owe it to you to not drop the ball on this.

Hell, I owe it to myself.

After all, my whole life I’ve just wanted to make a difference. If this is that chance, I better not screw it up.

So, yeah, adding pressure to a situation? “…always encourages an ADHDer to stick to something,” said no person with ADHD ever.

Oh well…here goes nothing. Who’s with me?

Look a Squirrel! …When People Joke About A.D.H.D.

Okay, guys, I’ve been busy creating social media accounts for the blog and I wanted a picture that could kind of stand by itself, without having to have an actual blog post…and I came up with this.

I was hiking with a friend a few months ago, just as the leaves were changing colors. I had my camera with me because nature is awesome and leaves (changing colors, especially) are amazing. In just over an hour’s time, I took 163 pictures. Truth is, I’m kind of obsessed with photography and being outside.

After a while, the trail started getting crowded, which I totally hate. I like the solitude of hiking and having other people on “my trail” stresses me out. So, I was wrapping up the picture taking because I was ready to be away from all the people.

Anyway, I was in total book-it-and-get-the-hell-out mode when we came across this squirrel. He was just sitting there, hangin’ out, eating a nut. Just like a squirrel…so stereotypical, right?

Intrigued by the noshing squirrel, I started snapping away with my camera. I crept closer…a little afraid he might lunge psychotically from the tree and latch his tiny claws into my face.

But he didn’t. He let us get so close; it was pretty cool. I spent quite a few minutes completely absorbed by this squirrel and all his awesomeness. I tried to break away a few times, but then he’d do something cute. My friend and I joked that I was being so typically A.D.H.D., “Oh, look! A Squirrel!” But, seriously, guys, they are pretty awesome.

It’s not just my A.D.H.D., you know this squirrel is awesome.

And just to be clear, I did take pictures of the awesome view and other stuff, too, but I didn’t want to bombard you guys with a million different pictures (I’ll save that for another post).