Insomnia, Pain Meds, Delusions and White Noses

So, I finally upgraded my phone. I can once again take pictures without working the system and going through Snapchat. My apps are also updated and current (including WordPress). This means, to my friends, 1,001 more cat and sky pictures a day and, to you, it might mean I’ll be posting more often (though, hell, I can’t make any promises…pretty sure it’s been years since my last post).

So, anyway, if you’ve read my blog at all before now, I’m pretty sure I’ve made it clear that I struggle with sleeping. Sometimes I have trouble falling asleep. Sometimes I have trouble staying asleep. Sometimes both. And sometimes I hallucinate in the middle of the night.

Currently, my room is the worst it’s been in a long time. Clothes are hanging everywhere. This mess makes it easier to blur the lines between reality and hallucinations during the witching hours of the night. I see a stark white shirt hanging in the dimness and it morphs into a being from the other side. It’s fun stuff, let me tell you. Figments of my imagination merge with reality and commandeer nightmares that leave me paralyzed by fear.

I try to talk myself out of the crazy, but panic attacks often overwhelm.

Anyway, my back has been a disaster since February. It’s much better than it was to start out with, but the pain occasionally still warrants some medicinal remedying. Two nights ago was one of these times. I took a Tramadol and a Flexeril and headed in to watch 13 Reasons Why. I’ve taken both of these meds before and not had a problem. I’m certainly not blaming them for the hallucinations that ensued that night, but I’m not counting them out as possible contributing factors either.

Well, I fell asleep before the first episode finished. Next night, I went to replay that episode on my Roku and got the following screen:

“What in the actual hell (to keep it PG-13)?” I thought.

The hallucinations from the night before came flooding back into my mind, but I was insanely confused. I had no recollection of searching for, “White Nose.” And I had no clue what the hell I might have been seeking. I honestly began to freak a little. Had something actually been in my room? Had it (they?) taken over control over my Roku? Were they trying to communicate with me?!?!?!? I took the screengrab and sent it to one of my best friends being like, “WTF?” and then I proceeded to tell my parents.

Both of my parents were equally as freaked, if not more. I mentioned my hallucinations, which I’ve mentioned to them before, but I think they found them unsettling. Not that I don’t. I just…well, they happen. I deal. I sucked it up and went back into my room. I was a little panicked about who my roomie might be, but it’s not like I’ve never been afraid of who might come, “A knock at my door,” and who might be, “Waiting for me.”

Meanwhile, my friend had written me back…and what a relief! “Ha ha ha!! Were you wanting white noise?” And then, “That made me laugh so hard.”

And then that part of the night came back into my mind. I had fallen asleep watching the show and then I’d woken up to the hallucinations and the deadening silence. I didn’t want to get out of bed because…well, the monsters might get me…and I also didn’t want to disturb my cat. Some might say my priorities are super whacked.

I went searching for white noise on my Roku. I got pissed because I knew I’d found it before. But hey, you can’t find it if you search, “White Nose,” or so it turns out. I’m blind and can’t see very well without my glasses. What can I say? I eventually landed on just using one of the apps on my phone for the white noIse instead.

Once I realized that my friend (who knows me oh, so well) had actually connected all the dots, I, too, laughed at my ridiculousness. I told my parents, to give them some relief…that I might not be as crazy as I appeared and/or that I might not be actively being stalked by beings from the great beyond).

To wrap this up, I don’t know why I decided to share this here. The need for white noise, the lack of sleep, the disrupted sleep…sure, that can all have something to do with ADHD, but mostly I just found myself laughing at myself and thought I’d share. Since it’s been a while, I thought I’d run with it. Hope you enjoyed this silly anectodote about my crazy life.

Maybe you’ll be seeing more of me from here on out…maybe not. I’m gonna try, though!

ADHD Awesomeness Anniversary

5 Positive Traits of ADHD Adults

When I signed on to WordPress tonight, I got a notification that yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of signing up with the site.

Can you imagine how awesome it would have been if I had blogged the whole time…instead of taking over a year off? …but I didn’t.

Still, I’m back. Or…I’m trying to be back anyway. During my hiatus, I received multiple comment notifications on various blog posts. Even in my state of silence, my published words and experiences were reaching other members of the ADHD community.

Sadly, I didn’t respond to many of these comments. I’m not sure why. My ADHD blog was doing just what I had intended for it to do. It was reaching people, but I wasn’t acknowledging them or their experiences. I feel badly about this and will likely respond to those comments at some point over the next few days (weeks?).

The thing is, blogging, especially about overcoming my ADHD, OCD, etc. struggles, makes me feel like I’m making a difference. Well, at least the positive response I get from many of my readers makes me feel that way.

I’ve thought about going back to school to become an ADHD coach. There are many tools out there that can make the ADHD life easier. I could be an advocate for other ADHDers.

Anyway, I’m almost digressing here. I am still very lost, but, the point is…I already am an advocate for ADHDers. I’m not trying to toot my own horn. ADHD readers have voiced this…or at least voiced that I’m writing things they can relate to and that I’m helping them think of their struggles in new ways.

And so, as I sat here tonight trying to figure out what to blog about (having taken pics for multiple potential posts and having started multiple drafts), it occurred to me that maybe I should pay homage to the original post on this page: 5 Positive Traits of ADHD Adults.

After all, at the end of the day, despite my personal and professional struggles over the last year or so, I do still believe that adults with ADHD are determined, creative, intelligent, resilient, and courageous. And part of the reason I came here to blog in the first place was to help prove that to the rest of the world.

Adult Coloring Books and My ADHD / OCD Mind

Well, it’s been over a year since my last blog post…

WordPress is now foreign to me. I don’t know why this catches me off guard; good technology is constantly updated. It’s just that I’m navigating it all for the first time again, while trying to complete a blog post that part of me believes I’ll abandon midway through (Yeah, I still have ADHD and my OCD still wants perfection or nothing at all).

A lot has changed since I’ve been gone. Although, in reading my last blog post (which references an ancient blog post of mine), it seems quite a lot has actually stayed the same (even since the ancient times).

Either way, this blog post isn’t about what happened during my hiatus. It’s all those things, I believe, that has kept me away for so long. It’s not like I hadn’t intended to blog earlier. I’ve thought about doing it nearly every day since I last did. However…life. The longer I was away, the bigger I felt my reintroduction needed to be. The all-or-nothing that so frequently plagues the ADHDer conquered me for far too long. And I feel it conquering me even now.

I’d planned on pouring it all out. Adele’s freaking “Hello” calls to me like a ghost from the beyond (“the other side,” as it were). Like so many people, I’m sure, but in a very different way. Anyway, I’d planned on sitting with my laptop, with the damn song blaring through my headphones. I even asked for Adele’s 25 CD for Christmas (Who the hell buys CDs anymore? Me.). Except, I didn’t. Amazon screwed me up, guys. Or my impulsive ADHD did. One of the two…maybe both. I was creating my Amazon Wish List and I knew I wanted the new Adele CD. An Adele CD popped up at the top of the screen, so I assumed it had to be the new one. I got it for Christmas and was excited (or some other more appropriate word for the type of anticipation that comes with preparing to pour your heart out about a lot of hard crap) to sit down with the song and pour my heart out. When I put the CD in and heard “Rolling in the Deep,” I knew I’d screwed that up.

To be fair, I could very easily just pull the song up on YouTube. Maybe I don’t want to blog about all of that yet. Maybe I’m not ready.

I’m kind of just going to pretend that I didn’t disappear for over a year. I’m going to blog as if I blogged yesterday. Inspired by my friend and her new blog Ever After McNeil and much encouraged (and somewhat threatened (in a do or die kind of way)) by my other creative friend, I’m just going to do it. I am just going to write…something. The rest of it will come; I’m sure. It has to.

Part of me feels like this post is too long already. Ahh, screw it. Maybe some of you have skipped ahead to the actual adult coloring book part…and that’s totally okay. Heck, it’s not like I probably have any readers at this point. I’ve left you all high and dry for quite a while.

If, however, you happen to be still there lurking in my shadows, please hold tight. I’m really, really going to try to come back here more often.

And now…the moment you’ve all been waiting for…an actual blog post.

Adult Coloring Books and My ADHD / OCD Mind

Adult coloring books are all the rage (Just Google, “Adult coloring books,” if this is news to you). Unlike Adele’s 25, I got one (and some awesome colored pencils) for Christmas.

I’m in an ADHD group or two on Facebook and I’ve seen a lot of people mentioning how awesome adult coloring books are for kind of grounding our ever-unsettled minds. I didn’t ask for the coloring book, but I’d definitely thought about buying one.

In fact, the idea of coloring being a calming activity isn’t new to me. I’ve bought many regular coloring books over the years…just haven’t actually colored in them…though I have many pristine packs of Crayola crayons. I do tend to bare down too hard and break the crayons. That’s the OCD striving for perfection…and creating a callous on my middle finger.

As any of you with ADHD know, it’s hard to calm your mind, it’s hard to shush all the noise…of all the things. For me, especially unmedicated (which I’ve now been for more than a year), I feel most alive and most in tuned to a particular thing when I am hyperfocusing on that thing. This is one of the gifts of having ADHD. Sometimes it feels like a super power.

The things we ADHDers hyperfocus on are the things we are most passionate about.

Adult coloring books kind of give us a place to focus, with the delusion of them being important. It’s important to pick the right colors, to color with the right intensity, and to stay within the lines.

…or is that the OCD? …because coloring books don’t really matter.

Who cares? I tried it tonight, guys.

I like it. I gave it 20 – 30 minutes. My hand cramped, reminiscent of my days in school when I scrambled to write all of the words the teacher said because I couldn’t comprehend them as she spoke, but I was totally going to type them up (and did), so I could study them later. For the first time in years, I realized I need a pencil sharpener. I chose my colors carefully. And tried not to commit to completing the whole thing in one sitting. I colored a bit. And it was therapeutic. It was rewarding, calming, focusing… As my hand started to cramp and enough time passed, I started to make mistakes (My OCD kicked in and the mistakes pissed me off.).

I decided if I was going to finish this blog post, I better go ahead and check out. Cause, the thing is, engaging with this blog post isn’t simple. It requires me to tap into my inner being…it requires me to write (which I actually take pretty seriously)…it requires me to take photos (which I also take pretty seriously, but don’t do nearly enough…although, retrospectively, more often than I write anything of much consequence)…and it requires me to focus (the hardest of all the things).

So, guys, I think I’ll wrap it up.

I’ll definitely revisit the adult coloring book concept. And I might even try coloring in a regular coloring book. Although, I prefer the stronger paper provided by the adult coloring book. I just wonder if the lack of detail in the regular coloring book would be better for both the ADHD and OCD, allowing for perfectionism, but not presenting so many damn slivers to fill in so perfectly.

Seamless

First off…happy Fall…because…well – Fall. And it’s awesome. This is a photo I took while hiking at some point last Fall. As I’ve mentioned before, like so many other ADHD-ers, I love the outdoors and find nature more therapeutic than Xanax (well, most days at least). So, in honor of the first day of Fall and all the changing leaves and all that good stuff, I had to share one of the more colorful photos I’ve taken.

Second off…and continuing with yesterday’s Dear Diary theme…and with the general intent to keep writing something, just to keep writing, I wanted to share another retro post from my Xanga days.

Seamless

I’ve worked so hard to make it all appear as such. I believe I’ve succeeded, in that at least.

And all they see is what I show them; they never see the pain.

They say that life’s a stage. I’d say I’m tired of playing this part, but, hell, I can’t even face the audition.

The problem with suffering in silence is that noone ever hears your cries.

No full thoughts. I can’t find it within me to compile them.

Looking back, it’s so strange how often I’ve felt just as I do today. My anxiety is crippling. My distractibility? Derailing, at the very least. …but I carry on. No one sees the struggle. So, when I try to explain, it’s hard for them to fathom. I find myself lost again, but aspiring to be on the path to somewhere better than here. Somehow, I still can’t find the words. I’m trying, though…and I’m trying to force myself to speak, even when I’m not entirely sure what to say. And I’m trying to put one foot in front of the other, even though I don’t really know where I’m headed.

Other “retro” posts from Xanga:

When ADHD and Diaries Collide

I’ve been a writer my whole life…to varying degrees…in various capacities. There have been periods of constant writing and dry spells that seemed to last forever. In fact, I’ve been in one of those dry spells for quite some time now.

That said, today is Dear Diary Day and it seemed only appropriate to attempt to write a blog entry in honor of it.

A lot has happened over the last several months…so much so that I haven’t known where to start. Perhaps this entry isnt very definitive, doesn’t have much of a real point other than to acknowledge the value of writing in my own life. I’ve started several blog entries over the past few months. And I have a list of potential topics. Somehow all the chaos has prevented me from actually sitting down and putting these ideas out there.

Again, the ADHD theme of all-or-nothing prevails in my blog. We go for things at full force, but are so quickly deterred to stop when the force is diminished…even in the slightest. Fellow ADHD-ers, I know you get it. I want to write again. I need to write again. Maybe I’m hoping that this post will be a jumping off point, to remind me how important it is for me to be writing.

With October and the celebration of ADHD Awareness Month on the horizon, I’ve been trying to outline potential blog ideas to ignite the creativity inside me…nay, the freedom to write. However, when I found out today is Dear Diary Day, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to put something out there.

It’s been a long, trying few months and I intend to write about what these few months have taught me and how I’m still trying to overcome the obstacles that have been put in my path.

As I look back over all my diaries, journals and scribbles, I realize how glad I am to have them, to have documented so much of my own life. It lets me see how much I’ve grown and often inspires me to find the strength to believe again.

So, if you’re still with me and still interested in what I have to say, I hope you’ll stick around. I promise I haven’t abandoned you guys and I promise I haven’t given up.

I’m not even confident in this post, but I’m trying to overcome the ADHD all-or-nothing mentality and just put something out there. It ain’t perfect, but sometimes it’s not about being perfect…sometimes it’s about just doing it.

Also, this guy…just cause he’s awesome: